It is what it is...

The following are blog entry's that chronicle the mess I went through with my mother the year before she died...

Static

Over the past few days I got some news that's been a little unsettling. My mom died. I guess I'm still trying to process it, I have a lot of mixed feelings on the subject, and questions I would like to ask, but I'm not sure I really want the answers..etc..Etc..

During the day I'm fine, it's when I try to close my eyes at night that it stings. But whatever, I'll work through it.

At 29 both of my parents are dead. Who would have thought. In my head I just keep thinking..phase two...phase two...phase two..just move on..get on with it. Andrew says that's cold hearted. I think it's a survival instinct. All my life that's what I've done. I hit a bump..a crash...it burns, it hurts, the pain is unavoidable, but none of that pain makes any of it go away, it fixes nothing. So I move on. Put it on the back burner, what else is there to do? Maybe it's not the normal way of handling things, but it's my way, and it hasn't failed me before.

So anyway, I don't really feel like talking more about Niagara Falls, but I still have a lot of nice pictures, so I think I'm going to open up a photo album of some sort where people can look at the pics if they want too. This weekend we went to Alexandria Bay and I got even more pictures that rock..and with all the cool places to go around here , getting good pics will probably be a trend, so starting an album seems like the thing to do.

Oh yeah..and yesterday was Audrey's Birthday. She's 3! We took her to Apple Bee's and had them come clapping and singing to her...she loves to watch when they do it for other people, she even claps with them. When they came up to her with her cake, and candle..you should have seen the magic in her eyes. The girl was on cloud nine.

Also, at about 6pm last night I got cable. Yay! It's fancy cable too, I love it. I got a DVR cable box, and I can pause live programming..record a show with a push of a button and watch it later..oh man..it's nice. Last night I would have missed Big Brother because we were out to dinner...but nope..it was recording it for me..that and Rockstar Supernova. So finally at about midnight I sat down to watch them...and got to fast forward through the commercials. Hell yeah. It also has HBO on demand, so all the episodes I've been missing of Deadwood I can catch up on. You know I'm stoked.

And of course nothing beats having my highspeed internet again. Nope. Nothing.

I don't feel like having a title

Oh, and I'm also really pissed at the weather around me lately. It's freaking cold, and as far as I'm concerned ole mother nature gave up her right to be chilly about 3 weeks ago. I want some sun and I NEED some heat. (other than what my furnace can provide)

Also, my mom thinks she's clever, yesterday I got 2 bills in the mail from recent visits she's made to the hospital. They had her name on them C/O my name. WTF is that all about?? Hopefully it doesn't mean they expect me to pay anything. I don't see how she owes anything anyway seeing as the government already takes all of her social security, but on the bill it showed Medicare paying their part, and Medicaid paying theirs, and there was still $600 left over for her to pay.

Things like this make me glad I am moving soon, and happy that she won't know my address. I know this sounds pretty harsh, but if you'd of walked a mile in my shoes and knew what it was like dealing with her, you might come closer to understanding why I've finally drawn the line with her. It was her mistake to say she didn't have a daughter, and my fortune. I'm sure she thought it was ok for her to say that, and then later she could take it back and everything would be the same, but she can't and it's not, every one has a line somewhere, and she just happened to have crossed mine over 15 years ago. I've finally asserted myself for my own emotional well being, and I'm not about to let her drain the life out of me again.

There really is no pleasing her anyway, so regardless, it's futile.

Anyway, I think tonight calls for some comforting Chinese food. Maybe it will pick up my declining mood. Cross your fingers for me!

Night terrors?

I had the strangest dreams last night. At one point I woke up in a panic because I could have swore I heard my front door open and someone coming up the steps. And when I say panic, I mean panic, I didn't move a muscle but I was in a cold sweat and my heart was about to explode. It was just plain awful.

Then when I finally got back to sleep I dreamt about visiting the nursing home where my mom is at, except I was trying to hide from her, but at the same time I was insisting someone clean out her kennel.

Yes, I said kennel. Oh god..and it was so filthy. I can't even begin to describe what I saw.

It gets worse too - then she comes out of her room and I turn around and head as quick as I can in the other direction which just happens to be into a kitchen in an old house of ours. She follows me and just starts talking, like she knows I'm there, and out of all things to talk about...she starts talking about my blog and how she doesn't like one of the links I have on it, and some other BS. This totally freaks me out of course, because she wasn't telling me about all that for nothing..she was saying it to get the point across..her point being, she was watching me. The look in her eye, it was pure evil.

Ugggg. I hate insane dreams.

In limbo at the train station

OK nevermind. That was a glitch in the matrix. I don't want to go cry to my "mommy" hehe.

Blame it on the "Trainman", cause that was just plain ole' insano.

(If you haven't seen The Matrix Reloaded , I've lost you...but by all means, go out and rent it so that you can be in the "know" - you'll thank me later) hah

My mind is starting to slow down, and get a better grasp of the situation. It's not a healthy one for me, so I'm going to stay out of it.

Next topic please ;)

Screwed

GOD...

I re-read my last post, and all it makes me want to do is go see her and test the waters..

knowing damn well I'll drown in them.

I really doubt if she gives a damn about me..but the child in me just wants to run to "my mommy" and hug her and cry.

I'm so screwed...

Round and Round

Hmmmm..ok, so I guess the appropriate question right now would be:

What's NOT happening Glenda?

There's not a lot of physical things going on, I'm not running around doing errands like a mad woman, and my schedule is not packed with things to do.

Instead..

Imagine a child who has just gotten a new toy; it's one of those spinning top things where you pinch the top and then watch it fly across the floor doing a magical dance..it's very amusing, and the kid LOVES it to the point of obsession, and won't stop playing with it...he/she only takes a break from playing with it when eating or sleeping.

Now imagine that same "spinning top" as my brain. Spinning, spinning, spinning....damn I'm dizzy..I wish they would stOOOOOPPPPPP......whooooaaa.....here I go agggaaaainnnnnn...

Ha. But anyway.

Yeah, my brain is working over time with a lot of "could be, would be, might be" crap.

And I do mean crap --I for one, know -- that worrying about those things serves no useful purpose.

Care to know why? (ha..like you have a choice) hehe

Well first off, my mother (is she still? I don't even know) is back in the nursing home. The rejects she was living with, who wouldn't listen to me in the beginning (I told them it wasn't a good idea for her to go back to her house in KC) apparently brought her back yesterday. I don't know first hand, but I'm pretty certain it was by her request.

My birth father, Dwain, actually works there (odd situation, no?), so he gave me the heads up, and even saw her today and told me she was looking horrible, and way beyond her years. This is something that hurts to hear..even though it's not surprising. As much as she has done to me, said to me -she disowned me, for crying out loud - it's not a nice thought to think of your "parental figure" suffering or in pain.

And beyond all that, you can't even imagine the mess of crap that's involved with going in a nursing home. If your in her financial situation, living off your Social Security, you have to apply for Medicaid, and once approved for long term care...They basically take all your money except for around $30 a month. That's for you to use for whatever. They take it all because if your in long term care (a nursing home) all your needs are taken care of, you don't need to buy your own food, shampoo, soap..stuff like that. You do still have to pay for haircuts though..but really that's about all. If you smoke (like my mom does) it can become a problem..not many smokers I know can get by on $30 a month.

So anyway, the government really doesn't care if you'd like to buy your own brand of soap, or would like to buy a magazine, or a new pair of pants..or if you need new underwear, they take pretty much all your money, and let you work out the rest as far as budgeting your pennies and where to spend them.

Sorry..back on subject. (I feel some anarchy coming along)

IT'S A LOT OF PAPER WORK, PHONE CALLS, things like this.

I pity the people who have had to do my moms paper work since last year. She was admitted late January of last year, (paperwork)then left the home in the middle of Feb 05, (umm, more paperwork) then re-admitted once again around the 1st of March 05 - she went to go live with her sister, but her sister's husband basically said "Hell no" after only 2 weeks, and you guessed it...CALLED ME - (even more paper work... )

Then she leaves again this past October...yep...more paperwork, cause every time she leaves they have to start giving her social security again, she has to re-apply for Medicaid...and not to mention, EVERY time she goes someplace she's opened up a new account at a bank, and then eventually closes it....and then like a month later is back and wants another account.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

It's a stinky gutter full of shit.

And until now, she had me to help with it. I'm sure she can get by without me, that's not my issue...the issue is my mind that keeps saying the same thing..over and over....

Why does she have to make every thing so damn hard? I TOLD her she didn't need to be in KC, I TOLD her she was better off in the home, I TOLD everyone else who cared to listen too....

But all anyone wanted to do is shake their head, and dismiss my opinion, I mean I'm ONLY her daughter..what the hell would I know...

So what's of her house? Are the rednecks still living there? Did they dump her off with ALL her stuff, like her TV, all of her clothes?

AND most importantly -

WHY AND THE FUCK DO I EVEN CARE?? SHOULD I CARE? SHOULD I FEEL BAD IF I DON'T?

OR WHAT IF I DO CARE, BUT STILL DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THE SITUATION? CAN I HANDLE THE GUILT OF THAT? SHOULD I EVEN FEEL GUILTY?

Oh yeah... that was just a tiny peek into Glenda's fragile mind -- my head is spinning people.


Anyway...on a totally different note!

(That damn kid just went another go...)

Andrew is waiting to hear about us possibly being stationed in Hawaii in June!! He will still have to deploy, which sucks..but I'd much rather be left in sunny Hawaii, than the blizzard of Fort Drum; you know..if I had a choice..

Hopefully by next week sometime he will find out for sure. The anticipation is killer, and I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not too!

Tada! Welcome to my world!

(it could be worse, so I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it....trying..)

Exhale

My recent realization is such a twisted breath of air. On one hand, it's so damn nice to be able to identify with something..let alone have books that seem to have crawled outside from my head about my life with my mother.

On the other hand, as I think about my past entry and especially read about "Growing up did your parent?" every one of those things hit me like a brick. As a matter of fact...YES...SHE DID...every one of them. Been there, felt that.


Even my close neighbors whom I mowed lawns for, and dog sat for, tried to tell my mom I "was a good kid" - not just one neighbor..a handful. I mowed half my blocks lawn when I was a kid, with an electric lawn mower that was given to me by a next door couple in their 80's that felt sorry for me having to do my front lawn with a weed-eater. No kidding, they told me they would give me their lawn mower if I did their lawn with it too. From there I started to make some money with it because I not only mowed a lawn, I did a good job. Picky anal type of job. You didn't have grass in the crack of your sidewalk, or overhanging your curb, ..thats all I have to say. So a lot of the neighbors liked what I did, and presto, it was a way to earn some money.

And yes, in my house we were all "mature" and the less said the better, unless it was in agreement to something she had to say. As far as my own ideas and thoughts..noone ever really cared to ask. I didn't see the inside of a mall until I was over 16, and even then I came home to a hostile mom who told me I was acting "different" and had an attitude...it was in my "tone"...so I'd be grounded for at least a month.

I'd try to say something..........inside me was a raging WTF?!!? But even a wrong look could result in even more time locked in my house, let alone if I rocked out a word or two like, "Why?" or "What did I do?" through tears and all...it would get me chased to my room and nails dug into my arm while she stared at me saying awful things, with a look to kill. And that was getting off lucky. Don't let her hear you throw something in your room..or even scream into your pillow. Then you would casually hear her yell "5 weeks now...6...want more?" Imagine trying to turn off that frustration.

If I could help it at all, I tried to avoid that. I've always said it's the worst torture though. Feeling something so intense, whether it be anger, sadness, injustice, and not being allowed to express it. It kills your soul...grips it like a wrench a wrings it out to dry.

So anyway...here I am writing about crap I thought I had forgotten long ago, but somehow it plays like a movie in my head. I think thats why I've heard it's no good to bury stuff inside - because it's all an illusion, and no matter how far down you dig the hole, it will surface in time, and find you. Hell...it was with you all along. You just didn't see it. It was why you had that extra drink, why you pushed him/her away, why you woke up today and wished you hadn't.

As much as I don't want to make this blog too personal (I'm funny about those things), and just talk about the stupid lady next door who took my spoons, and how Oprah pisses me off...I dunno maybe in some way getting this stuff out will help.

Not burying it - releasing it. Maybe that's the key.

This blog is getting heavy though. I don't know if you are..but I'm starting to resent it. I hate being a downer. Yes I do.

Break-through

I just had the biggest break through..and all from watching "The Soprano's" (First Season)

So I was watching it, and the lead character (Tony Soprano) has this crazy mom, and from the second I saw her she reminded me of my mother. She's eternally miserable..all that stuff. Plus, in the show, he puts her in a "retirement home" because she kept having incidents at home, kitchen fire..stuff like that. So he sends her there, it's a really nice fancy place, but she hates it of course, and continues to act in a way that always keeps him feeling bad, and on his toes because of constant antics.

What's even stranger, is just like my mother, the mother on the show had 2 other children besides Tony (girls), but they had disappeared the minute they turned 18, leaving Tony...who was always the one who felt like he could make things better, and with the idea that "this is my mother, how could I abandon her?" type of thing. Much like me. (My mom had 2 children from a previous marriage, before she adopted me. Her son, and other daughter are non-existent)

So anyway, Tony see's a psychiatrist who eventually addresses the issue of his mother, and tells him that from what she knows of her, she's a classic case of "Borderline Personality Disorder" and then she goes into the symptoms.

My mouth about dropped open. It's my mom..through and through. We all knew she was crazy..but I didn't know they had a name for it. It explains a lot about why she's always acted the way she has.

If you have a sec, read some of the symptoms of it. I had to look it up online. In the show the doctor is trying to make Tony understand it's not his fault, and it was totally out of his control how his mother acted. He has a lot of feelings of worthlessness because in his eyes, if your own mother doesn't like you, or treats you how his did to him, than what good are you...type of thing. I can totally relate...but knowing the way my mom acts actually has a name, REALLY HELPS..well as much as it can.

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Frequent emotional ups and downs
Impulsive actions
Mood swings
Stormy relationships
Intense anger, possibly involving physical fights
Casting others in terms of good or bad
Feeling of emptiness inside
Fear of being alone

"Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is relatively common yet it's not talked about very much. With at least two to three percent of the population suffering from BPD (by conservative estimates), there are many millions of kids--now adults--who were likely raised by someone with its symptoms. The effects on these adult children can be profound and long-lasting."


Growing up, did your parent:

- Tease you, often cruelly, about physical attributes, mental abilities, intelligence or habits?

- Say one thing one day and the opposite the next?

- Share inappropriate information or secrets with you?

- Expect you to take his side or share her opinion?

- Treat you like an adult instead of a child?

- Discount, deny or ignore your feelings, especially anger?

- Did you often feel: scared; confused; angry; guilty; responsible; old; listless; invisible; unlovable?


As an adult, do you:


- Find yourself in abusive, unfulfilling or unhealthy relationships?

- Have difficulty trusting?

- Usually expect the worst?

- Feel responsible for others?

- Have a hard time knowing what you want?

- Feel uneasy with success or enjoying life

- Get highly anxious in social or new situations

- Hold yourself to standards nearing perfection

- Feel worthless, hopeless or depressed?"


And one last thing to totally convince me this is my mother :

The Borderline Mother

1. Confuses or frightens her child
2. Does not apologize or is unable to recall inappropriate behavior
3. Expects to be taken care of
4. Punishes or discourages independence
5. Envies, ignores, or demeans her child's accomplishments
6. Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem
7. Expects child to respond to her needs
8. Disciplines inconsistently or punitively
9. Feels threatened or resentful if the child is loved by others
10.Uses threats of abandonment or actually abandons the child
11.Does not believe in her own or her child's basic goodness



It's scary how fitting this is, everything from how I was treated growing up to some feelings I have now. Anyway the stuff from above is from a book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent" of which I will be buying ASAP. It certainly can't hurt.

What's cool is, now if anyone asks me about my mom, and they've seen The Sopranos...all I have to say is.."You know Tony Sopranos mom? That's her." Heh..makes it easy. In the show she stirs up enough shit to eventually get his own people mad at him and get a hit put on him. So thankfully my mom has no Mafia affiliations, haha.


Yes...long post...sorry about that. Had to get it off my chest.

P.S. - If your interested in some background info about my situation with my mother, refer to:

"Bat's In The Belfrey"

"#2"


"Wow"

Wow

So today I called my mom at the home to find out some plan she has to come back to Kansas City. Apparently she's convinced some old neighbors of hers (they were before they got kicked out for not paying rent) to come get her and bring her back to her house in Kansas City. These are people who my mom barely knows, but I'm sure jumped at the idea of a free place to live and a social security check. The only thing that matters to my mom is that she's coming back to KC. I went by today and there wasn't even a back door, it's been stolen (it's a rough part of KC)..there's also a lot of broken windows. But supposedly this couple is going to take care of my mom (even though they haven't seen her in over a year and have not a clue about her needs) and clean up the place and fix the door, etc. I refuse to be a part of it because it's just not in her best interest. Let alone she's still not walking on her own and spending every waking minute in the wheel chair. But anyway...I guess none of it matters anymore, because like I said, I called her to see what was going on and this is how our conversation went :

me: Hey, how ya doin?

mom: Who's this?

me: It's Glenda

mom: Glenda?

me: yea...your daughter..

mom: I don't have a daughter...I never wanted you Glenda..goodbye

(she slams the phone down)Just classic isn't it? I guess she felt I couldn't do anything for her anymore, so she really had no use for me.

This situation she's about to get into isn't a good one, but she won't listen to me..I'm nobody to her now.

I'm officially throwing my hands up.

Ho Hum

Gee, that last entry was weird huh? Maybe it had something to do with being so tired. Or maybe I'm just weird, which is totally possible ;)

Yesterday I visited my mom, it went really well. She seemed to be on good behavior, so I will enjoy that while it lasts. My birth father acutally lives in the same town as her nursing home, so they met each other for the first time ever too. They were both pretty nervous about it, but they seemed to get along just fine. It's funny how things come full circle sometimes.

Taylor was off for her first day of 4th grade today...whewwwww...I made it through the summer, yay! She wasn't as excited, but I know I was. It's so much quieter around the house so far. Gotta love it.

Thats the news for right now. I'm about to go get some groceries, my house is bare..and I am not exaggerating. It's been forever since I last went grocery shopping.

Sooo..anyway..this couldn't get any more boring, so I'll get off here until I have something a little more worth while to mention besides writing about grocery shopping :)

Weird

I think my mom is sending bad vibes my way. Last night I had the most unsettling dream.

I dreamt we were both back in her house (the one she wants to return too), except it was exceptionally clean. Apparently she was just visiting from the nursing home, and we were discussing her returning. I was actually considering it. Then I said something to the effect of, "As long as you can keep it clean and take care of yourself this time, I won't bother you." Then she got this weird look on her face, as if to say "How dare you!" and took the wine glass she was drinking out of and threw it's contents at me.

This kind of pissed me off, so I returned the favor, and threw the contents of my glass on her. This sent her over the edge, and she reached out to slap me, but missed. Then she went out into a hallway. I followed her and found her breaking the stem off her wine glass. She saw me, and grabbed me and started attacking me with the sharp stem.

Someone knocked at the door. I tried to wrestle myself free, but couldn't, so I tried to yell HELP! but no sound came out of my mouth.

Then I woke up as she was still attacking me and trying to kill me.

Pleasant dream huh?

#2

* My mother needs to go in the real crazy house. Not a semi one like she is in now, she needs to go in one with straight jackets and the whole nine yards. Keep her doped up and talking about wall fairies or something. She's fucking out of her mind. I'm tired of it and I want to say so much worse but I'm a believer in karma and I don't want to stir up any worse than I already have by the aforementioned. Just know she is an enigma that just possibly doesn't need to be solved or dealt with, but put away and forgotten. Damn it..the karma Glenda..I'm am so fucked now. I would never forget her though..she would never let me either...that earn me any points back??

Bats in the belfry

So it's almost 4pm, and I'm waiting for the hubby to get home from work so I can go drive an hour and a half to see my batty mother. I called her yesterday, to tell her I would be up today, and let her know I picked her up a few things. I was expecting a normal phone conversation. That was my first mistake, I should know by now that things never stay sane around her for very long. When you least expect it, she'll blow you out of the water. I think it's some twisted game she likes to play called "Let's make Glenda speechless on the phone."

1st rule of the game: Say something completely fucking crazy, and make sure it's not just any old thing...make it a fucked up request, something you just have to have..and won't live without.

* Remember, your request can't make any logical sense at all

2nd rule: Give an ultimatum, the more the better. As mentioned above, your ultimatum must also be equally insane and improbable. For example: "I'll get to Kansas City Glenda, with or without you, I'll hop a train if I have too."

*Please note, we are talking about a 72 year old woman, attached to oxygen, who pushes herself around in a wheel chair all day. If she could pull that off, I think we would all pay to see it.

3rd rule: Never, never raise your voice...make sure you are saying all this craziness in the most frail voice you can. If you can break into a fake coughing fit while spouting out bitter words....BONUS POINTS. The objective here is that no matter what kind of hateful things come out of your mouth, if the listening party were to get annoyed and raise their voice...then no matter what, they are the bad guy. I mean come on..what kind of person yells at an old lady?!


So those are the basic rules for the game. Play it often, play it well...it's fun driving me insane.

Ok, so anyway. He's finally here, and I guess I should get on my way. I have an old lady to talk some sense into. Jealous, aren't you?

Don't worry, you'll get your turn one of these days :)