Friday, June 24, 2005

Bats in the belfry

So it's almost 4pm, and I'm waiting for the hubby to get home from work so I can go drive an hour and a half to see my batty mother. I called her yesterday, to tell her I would be up today, and let her know I picked her up a few things. I was expecting a normal phone conversation. That was my first mistake, I should know by now that things never stay sane around her for very long. When you least expect it, she'll blow you out of the water. I think it's some twisted game she likes to play called "Let's make Glenda speechless on the phone."

1st rule of the game: Say something completely fucking crazy, and make sure it's not just any old thing...make it a fucked up request, something you just have to have..and won't live without.

* Remember, your request can't make any logical sense at all

2nd rule: Give an ultimatum, the more the better. As mentioned above, your ultimatum must also be equally insane and improbable. For example: "I'll get to Kansas City Glenda, with or without you, I'll hop a train if I have too."

*Please note, we are talking about a 72 year old woman, attached to oxygen, who pushes herself around in a wheel chair all day. If she could pull that off, I think we would all pay to see it.

3rd rule: Never, never raise your voice...make sure you are saying all this craziness in the most frail voice you can. If you can break into a fake coughing fit while spouting out bitter words....BONUS POINTS. The objective here is that no matter what kind of hateful things come out of your mouth, if the listening party were to get annoyed and raise their voice...then no matter what, they are the bad guy. I mean come on..what kind of person yells at an old lady?!

So those are the basic rules for the game. Play it often, play it's fun driving me insane.

Ok, so anyway. He's finally here, and I guess I should get on my way. I have an old lady to talk some sense into. Jealous, aren't you?

Don't worry, you'll get your turn one of these days :)

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