Into The Ocean

Sorry for the lag. Trust me, I've been falling behind in more areas then blogging though. I've just been struggling to keep it together. Usually I would log on to my blog and get it out, but lately that just seems too exhausting. Sometimes I just wish I could curl up inside a cocoon and wake up a few months from now..all bright and refreshed with a hand reaching out to welcome me back.

In the real world that isn't practical though; I have daughters to raise and take care of, which is a blessing in itself. They keep me from just throwing in the towel...because they bring too much to the table to just throw it all away.

The lesson I have learned lately is having to be an adult and just bite the bullet and drive on. There is no instant cure to what ails me. Living closer to family would help. If Andrew wasn't gone it would definitely help. Having more friends and not having just moved across the country would also make it easier. But none of those things are in my stars for now, so I just have to deal with what I have. I guess that's what all of us have to do.

Times like these, you think back to being in a parents arms.. your spouses arms, and just being held tight and told that it's all going to be ok. But then you realize your an adult now and sooner or later you just have to learn how to stand on your own two feet. It's hard..and each day is a struggle in my head, but I just grit my teeth and move on. Right now I think there is something out there trying to challenge me and teach me that I have what it takes to get through whatever I want too, no matter the circumstance.

Soon enough I will have the support that is essential sometimes and that I so desperately need, but for now, maybe it's all about me learning about ME. In the past I have done things to drown out the sadness, frustration or pain...but all those things did was hurt me even worse in the end..physically or mentally..they drove me further into my hole. Lately I haven't done any of those things and I think that's why I am feeling the way I do. I'm letting myself "feel" I guess? Which sucks..but maybe something good will come out of it.

In the meantime, in an effort to get myself back on track I think I'm going to resort back to giving myself "chore days" so that if nothing else..I know what the purpose for that day was SUPPOSED to have been. I tried it a while back and it seemed to really help..I would wake up and not remember what was designated for that day so I would look it up again on my blog...and say "oh yeah..." and go do what I needed to do. That way everything didn't seem so overwhelming and pointless.

Like I always say...baby steps! Even my "up" days are somewhat off, but I'm still here working at it..and I guess that says something. I can't give it ALL right now..but I can handle SOME....because some is definitely better than NONE.

Awww. A poem... hehe ;)