Friday, November 10, 2006

Let's Get Some Things Straight

You know what's funny? I've been going back and forth on whether or not this is the best place to vent my current frustrations, mainly because I don't want to perpetuate more drama, which I feel might be inevitable if I do say something.

But then I checked my email and opened up my daily horoscope and lookie what it said:

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You know what's important to you today, but still may be very worried about the reactions of others. You may feel overly responsible for someone else at work, yet your concern might have more to do with your insecurity than altruism. Think it through first; if your motives are clear, then go ahead and act on what you believe.

Oh snap. I can do motives are crystal fucking clear.

Here's the thing:

Who I choose to deal with, and in what manner I deal with them is MY BUSINESS, and ONLY my business.

And guess what? Why I deal with someone the way I guessed's also my business.

I give those I know that respect, and all I am asking for, is it in return.

I am getting fed up with people thinking they know the way I should see things, like they have my perception all figured out and ready to bottle feed me. Perception doesn't work that way folks. It's mine and mine alone. Everyone has a different way of looking at things, it's just how it is. Until you've walked in my shoes, the smart thing to do is just stop trying to meddle and let me come to you and explain myself...that is if I feel I owe you an explanation.


1. Lacking physical strength, energy, or vigor; feeble.

2. Likely to fail under pressure, stress, or strain; lacking resistance: a weak link in a chain.

3. Lacking firmness of character or strength of will.

We are all weak in our own ways, I understand this and I know I'm not above it. What differentiates myself and others from people that I have a problem with, is that even though my life has had it's own share of adversity and at times I've felt like nothing and ready to quit - I DIDN'T.

Like I always say. I got stories. Tons of them. My life was no bowl of goddamn cherries, and it still isn't. But I'll be damned if I'd ever quit or even want to quit. I have too much to live for, too much to prove to those who thought otherwise of me, and too much pride to ever let anyone get the best of me.

What happened in my life doesn't define me. I define me.

So although we all crumble at times from the pressure, it's essential to pick yourself back up and drive on. I have little tolerance for those who can't seem to understand that they are in control of their own destiny and like to play life's victim. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and it's up to you whether your going to let the bad guy knock you down.

If your one of those people that is forever playing your violin and at the same time hopes to get respect from me, you have to understand that it's not an easy thing for me. I'd prefer to take your violin and smash it over your head in hope to snap you out of your self-pity. Out of love..I would totally break your violin, because it does nothing for you...nothing but drive you further into your own sad psychosis, and that's just a waste of what would have otherwise been a person with great potential in life. If you can't move on from your past all you know how to do is feed off of others like a parasite because you don't believe your strong enough to stand on your own.

Anyway, I know I am being harsh, but this is how I feel. So when I have a birth mother who wallows in self-pity and a sister who can't understand why I keep my distance from her, I get pretty frustrated. One, no one really knows how much effort I'm putting into someone but me.

My MOTHER died only 3 months ago.

3 months.

She was mean and heartless and used the fuck out of me, but she was my mom, and we had our good times too. It was her damn idea to take me out of the children's home, she liked my red hair and thought I was cute to boot. I didn't have the best home life, but at least I wasn't busy being an orphan and visiting countless foster homes of people who enjoy locking kids in closets when they are tired of them.

She took me away from that and I have to respect that and love her for it regardless of how she hurt me in the past.

So please consider my position on things and understand where I am coming from. I haven't even been able to wrap my head around my own mother dying and at the same time I'm supposed to embrace another "mother" - it's not so easy, and any little contact with her is EFFORT, and it's my way of trying to give her a chance. Stop trying to create drama and figure out what my INACTION means. When I say nothing, I mean nothing. After I don't talk to someone for 4 days and all of a sudden they are emailing me and assuming I don't want to talk to them EVER AGAIN and I'm ready to write them off, it annoys the shit out of me. It tells me that too much shit has been going on in the background and that people are wasting their time trying to figure out things that they can truly only know if they ASK THE SOURCE. It pisses me off to the point where I just want to give them what they've wasted all their time on,...... what they think they've got all figured out. How in the hell you try to figure out whats going on in someone elses head is beyond's so damn pointless.

Anyway I'm done. I got more personal than I wanted, but I'm not going to write long emails pleading my case and I'm certainly not going to explain myself over the phone. I won't defend myself against your THOUGHTS of me and nothing that I have actually done. All I have done is tried, believe it or not. I am trying to give a little and work with something that I don't even feel comfortable with yet, so my advice is to get off the campaign trail and let me make my own decisions in life.

OK I feel better now.


Dwain said...

It does the head good to get that all out don't it! I agree on the fact your life is your life, and its not over till its over. I have thought of giving up at times but I'll be dam if I will. And now I'm to old to give up and glad I didn't cause life can be good at times and those are the times I hold on too, not the past shit.

you go girl!!!

TC said...

Can I reprint portions of this to use in my own travails?
THIS is my favorite blog ever. Another "WOW"!

Anonymous said...

Oh I find this post SO entertaining! You have me laughing outloud, wanting to throw up middle fingers, say four letter words and jam out to some good heavy metal music! Outstanding. Nothing like hearing the bottom line. Damnit. I told you that song would fit! I like seeing people stand for something and put in out in the open. Mad props! So, let this be my first, and more than likely only ass-kissing comment you will receive on this thing. Embrace it! So now, I wonder if it will stir any intelligent response from those it was intended for. A little force-fed introspection never hurts anybody...too much! I always say, you have to rent space in peoples heads...and start kicking shit around! Talk to you later, Glenda Rooney. Love you.

Glenda said...

omg..she totally did not get the goddamn point. She's ranting about the past over on her blog and playing her stupid violen.

Some people.

But I should have expected that huh?

Anonymous said...

BTW, I get to claim a decent portion of the stories, cus the mama drama ALWAYS had me in the sidelines or affected in some way shape or form, and still does. I've dealt with many years of issues caused by selfish, internally ugly, nasty, bitter, I-just-can't-seem-to-get-over-myself people. It is an issue that just seems to never go away, and probably won't. We will bump into knuckleheads until the end of our days. It takes a strong heart to get over itself; to cancel the pity party, becuase (your name here) are definitely the ONLY one that feels like this! No one else could ever have problems or stress, so here y'go, let me dump my shit all over you too. Those folks bug the shit out of me too. The adversity is supposed to make one tough; to bulid ones charector; to give a person the fuel to say, "I ain't takin this shit off of you or nobody else NO MO!" I would rather die, before letting someone else see me fall or give in under the presure of life. I say a big capital FUCK THAT, ya'll. It all comes back to that libertarian political thing...don't tread your shit on me, you know. If this is all someone can bring to your relationship...then it isn't really worth having; don't you agree? Hopefully everything begins to start on a course of upward mobility, otherwise, it is time to put some additional distance in there. Hopefully this made sense. Love you.

Josh said...

I know you wrote this for your own personal reasons, but I am glad you did. There was a huge chunk of it I really needed to hear. Sometimes seeing stuff like this gives me a bit of a kick that I didn't know I needed. Thanks, really.