Round and Round

Hmmmm..ok, so I guess the appropriate question right now would be:

What's NOT happening Glenda?

There's not a lot of physical things going on, I'm not running around doing errands like a mad woman, and my schedule is not packed with things to do.

Instead..

Imagine a child who has just gotten a new toy; it's one of those spinning top things where you pinch the top and then watch it fly across the floor doing a magical dance..it's very amusing, and the kid LOVES it to the point of obsession, and won't stop playing with it...he/she only takes a break from playing with it when eating or sleeping.

Now imagine that same "spinning top" as my brain. Spinning, spinning, spinning....damn I'm dizzy..I wish they would stOOOOOPPPPPP......whooooaaa.....here I go agggaaaainnnnnn...

Ha. But anyway.

Yeah, my brain is working over time with a lot of "could be, would be, might be" crap.

And I do mean crap --I for one, know -- that worrying about those things serves no useful purpose.

Care to know why? (ha..like you have a choice) hehe

Well first off, my mother (is she still? I don't even know) is back in the nursing home. The rejects she was living with, who wouldn't listen to me in the beginning (I told them it wasn't a good idea for her to go back to her house in KC) apparently brought her back yesterday. I don't know first hand, but I'm pretty certain it was by her request.

My birth father, Dwain, actually works there (odd situation, no?), so he gave me the heads up, and even saw her today and told me she was looking horrible, and way beyond her years. This is something that hurts to hear..even though it's not surprising. As much as she has done to me, said to me -she disowned me, for crying out loud - it's not a nice thought to think of your "parental figure" suffering or in pain.

And beyond all that, you can't even imagine the mess of crap that's involved with going in a nursing home. If your in her financial situation, living off your Social Security, you have to apply for Medicaid, and once approved for long term care...They basically take all your money except for around $30 a month. That's for you to use for whatever. They take it all because if your in long term care (a nursing home) all your needs are taken care of, you don't need to buy your own food, shampoo, soap..stuff like that. You do still have to pay for haircuts though..but really that's about all. If you smoke (like my mom does) it can become a problem..not many smokers I know can get by on $30 a month.

So anyway, the government really doesn't care if you'd like to buy your own brand of soap, or would like to buy a magazine, or a new pair of pants..or if you need new underwear, they take pretty much all your money, and let you work out the rest as far as budgeting your pennies and where to spend them.

Sorry..back on subject. (I feel some anarchy coming along)

IT'S A LOT OF PAPER WORK, PHONE CALLS, things like this.

I pity the people who have had to do my moms paper work since last year. She was admitted late January of last year, (paperwork)then left the home in the middle of Feb 05, (umm, more paperwork) then re-admitted once again around the 1st of March 05 - she went to go live with her sister, but her sister's husband basically said "Hell no" after only 2 weeks, and you guessed it...CALLED ME - (even more paper work... )

Then she leaves again this past October...yep...more paperwork, cause every time she leaves they have to start giving her social security again, she has to re-apply for Medicaid...and not to mention, EVERY time she goes someplace she's opened up a new account at a bank, and then eventually closes it....and then like a month later is back and wants another account.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

It's a stinky gutter full of shit.

And until now, she had me to help with it. I'm sure she can get by without me, that's not my issue...the issue is my mind that keeps saying the same thing..over and over....

Why does she have to make every thing so damn hard? I TOLD her she didn't need to be in KC, I TOLD her she was better off in the home, I TOLD everyone else who cared to listen too....

But all anyone wanted to do is shake their head, and dismiss my opinion, I mean I'm ONLY her daughter..what the hell would I know...

So what's of her house? Are the rednecks still living there? Did they dump her off with ALL her stuff, like her TV, all of her clothes?

AND most importantly -

WHY AND THE FUCK DO I EVEN CARE?? SHOULD I CARE? SHOULD I FEEL BAD IF I DON'T?

OR WHAT IF I DO CARE, BUT STILL DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THE SITUATION? CAN I HANDLE THE GUILT OF THAT? SHOULD I EVEN FEEL GUILTY?

Oh yeah... that was just a tiny peek into Glenda's fragile mind -- my head is spinning people.


Anyway...on a totally different note!

(That damn kid just went another go...)

Andrew is waiting to hear about us possibly being stationed in Hawaii in June!! He will still have to deploy, which sucks..but I'd much rather be left in sunny Hawaii, than the blizzard of Fort Drum; you know..if I had a choice..

Hopefully by next week sometime he will find out for sure. The anticipation is killer, and I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not too!

Tada! Welcome to my world!

(it could be worse, so I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it....trying..)