Wednesday, October 19, 2005

One year

It's been one year since my dad died..

I've changed so much since that day.

Although things on the outside seemed the same, on the inside it changed me and my perception of my reality. I'm more prone to depressive bouts since that day, mainly because I think I'm still trying to deal with the loss and immense change it caused in my life.

One day I had parents, and the next...Just One - my mother. And she was soon to be so self involved that I'd lose her too. She was never the same after that day either. 3 months later she arrived in a nursing home - after months of trying my best to salvage some normalcy in my life. Everything wasn't supposed to change at once, but it did. In one sudden wisp I had no father and a mother who never truly cared about anything but herself.

So in many ways..this orphan girl..adopted when she was 5, and raised as an only child and sheltered from not only the world, but even close family, found herself once again an orphan. No family to depend on, or grieve with..or just to listen to her. Things seemed pretty pointless.

But a year later..through the midst, I am stronger and rebuilding lost ties with my birth father, brother, and sister. Losing my dad made me realize how important having someone you can call family means. Through thick and thin, and as supposed friends fall by the side...ideally, family remains, and to me, even the notion... is priceless.

So that's where I am now. And if your out there Dad and magically reading this....

I miss you beyond all reasoning. My heart hurts to think about you sometimes. But beyond that...Thank you for giving me so much to miss, for that I am blessed.

I love you
We love you papa "lala"
The girls send their kisses...

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